Talking to White Children About Racism and Diversity
Like many of you, I am having to choose to take time away from social media because scrolling through the images and people's comments about them can be exhausting, heart breaking, and consuming. As we get more emotional and angry, it becomes all we can think about and talk about. These are, however, important issues to be talking about and thinking about. They are also important to talk to your children about. Especially our white children. Black families have been talking to their children since a very young age about what they should do/not do in order to be safe. They have been having conversations with their children. But, it's time for us white folk to step up and talk to our kids, too. The children are our future. If we can raise a better generation, maybe things will be different. Maybe a change can be made.
So, how do you talk to your kids about racism and violence? Our instincts say to shelter them from all of the evil in the world. Our instincts say to tell them that we are all the same on the inside and to treat everyone equally. But, that is not enough. The more we shelter kids when they are younger, the more they grow up to be blind to the fact that racism exists in this world. They grow up to be adults that say "All Lives Matter" and dismiss the movement of Black Lives Matter. They grow up to be the adults that mock and dismiss peaceful protests of men kneeling during the National Anthem, because that man is crazy, right? We are all equal. They grow up to refuse to acknowledge that racism exists. After all, Martin Luther King, Jr. and the Civil Rights Movement put that to rest, right?
So, how do you start? Well, first, by acknowledging and appreciating our differences! We are different. We are not the same. Stop trying to pretend you don't see color. You do. By pretending not to see color, you are ignoring the the complexity of racial issues. You are not actively dismantling your own prejudices. Most importantly, we can't fix something that you don't even see. I look at the many beautiful people of color in my life and I appreciate them for who they are. There are many different cultures around us that may have some similarities to mine, but also has some very distinct differences. You can talk about culture with your children. Culture can be music, art, dance, celebrations, foods (my favorite, obviously), hair styles, clothing, language (including slang), literature. Expose them to different cultures. You may not be able to afford to travel, but you can cook food from another culture. You can read a book by a black author. Instead of "I don't see color" look at the varieties of colors we do see in this world. Even in your own family. Put your arm next to theirs and you will likely have a different "color" than them. There are all sorts of beautiful shades of skin colors and the world is more beautiful with color!
Teach your children about empathy. Empathy is trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes, even though, you never really can do that. It's understanding that you don't understand. We see the world differently, because our experiences are different. It's acknowledging that when another person feels angry or hurt or upset about something that you would not be upset about, well, it's okay that they feel differently about that than you do. It's okay to acknowledge that something didn't happen to you, but it did happen to someone else. How can we make that other person feel less angry, hurt, or upset? How can we help them, even if we don't understand why they feel that way? I teach students to listen with their eyes, ears, and heart. Listening with eyes is when we see people's facial expressions, body language, etc. When listening with our ears, we not only hear the words, but the tone of voice and words they emphasize. But, most importantly, we must listen with our hearts to truly try to feel what the other person is feeling.
Ask your child what they have heard or seen and what questions they have. Try to answer their questions as honestly as you can, but in an age appropriate way. And, if you don't know the answers, tell them you don't know. Show your children that it's okay to say, "I have no idea!" Then, show them how to responsibly find the answers to their questions and use reliable sources.
Point out injustices and help them to notice injustice around them. Do you notice all the black kids at your school sitting together at lunch away from everyone else? Do you notice a teacher being easier on you than your black peer? Do you see how that business person treated a black customer different from us? Do you notice that there are no black people in the stores where you shop or living in your neighborhood? Do you stand up for people when they are being treated unfairly? Do your children watch you walk by and ignore injustice or do they see you stand up for others that are being mistreated? Be the example.
Seek out diverse opportunities for your child. School (if there's an option of choice), church, sports, etc. Are they surrounded by people that look different from them or are they surrounded by only white people? I know this is not always an option in certain parts of the country. I grew up in an all white town (It has changed a little since then). If that is the case, then look for other organizations where you travel to different parts of the state to go to a camp or make friends that have a different color of skin. Exposure helps them to see "black people" as real. Not just someone they see on TV, rappers, or athletes on their favorite sports team. Give them toys/dolls with different skin tones. Follow a YouTuber (their best friends these days) that is a person of color.
Teach your children to think and research and to use reliable sources. Watch different media sources and how they "spin" things in different ways. Teach them not to believe every meme they see, because people put quotes on pictures of people that didn't say those words. People photoshop pictures. People take things out of context. Everything online is not based on fact and it's important for kids to know that if they don't know it to be true, they should not "spread the rumor" that it is.
Check your biases and help your child to find their own biases. We all have them. What are the things they assume about certain groups of people. Look for examples of when that stereotype is wrong. Avoid making generalized statements about any group of people (Democrats, Republicans, Christians, Hispanics (many times just called Mexicans, when they are not), homosexuals, police officers, black people, white people, lawyers, politicians, men, women, etc.....) The list can go on and on. Teach your children that there are good and bad people in all walks of life. Teach them how to identify the good ones. What qualities do we value in a good friend, co-worker, partner, neighbor, spouse, etc.?
What about you? Would you have a problem if your white daughter brought home a black boyfriend? Can they go to a party with all black children? Can they move to a black neighborhood when they are grown? If you have a problem with these things or they make you feel uncomfortable, examine your own prejudices. If your child is being prejudice or judgmental, don't just say, "Don't say that." Instead, try to understand why they said it in the first place and teach them why it is not appropriate. Did they learn it from you? From another family member? Watch the language used by your own family. If people are using the the "n" word or making racist jokes around your children, those people need to be educated, too, or they need to not be around your child. We've moved past the stage of, "That's just our racist uncle, but we love him anyway." Challenge your racist uncle. Tell him he's wrong and that you don't want your children around that language. That uncle needs to change, too.
Look for teachable moments in tv shows, when you are out in public, on social media, and even in the news (depending on the child's age), etc. and have the hard conversations. Examine why things happen the way they did and what could be done differently. What will they do differently when they are older?
Update: June 3, 2020
I spent some time today looking for other resources online. I have added links on the Parent Resources section of my website. Here's the link: https://www.counselorjohnson.com/parent-resources
So, how do you talk to your kids about racism and violence? Our instincts say to shelter them from all of the evil in the world. Our instincts say to tell them that we are all the same on the inside and to treat everyone equally. But, that is not enough. The more we shelter kids when they are younger, the more they grow up to be blind to the fact that racism exists in this world. They grow up to be adults that say "All Lives Matter" and dismiss the movement of Black Lives Matter. They grow up to be the adults that mock and dismiss peaceful protests of men kneeling during the National Anthem, because that man is crazy, right? We are all equal. They grow up to refuse to acknowledge that racism exists. After all, Martin Luther King, Jr. and the Civil Rights Movement put that to rest, right?
So, how do you start? Well, first, by acknowledging and appreciating our differences! We are different. We are not the same. Stop trying to pretend you don't see color. You do. By pretending not to see color, you are ignoring the the complexity of racial issues. You are not actively dismantling your own prejudices. Most importantly, we can't fix something that you don't even see. I look at the many beautiful people of color in my life and I appreciate them for who they are. There are many different cultures around us that may have some similarities to mine, but also has some very distinct differences. You can talk about culture with your children. Culture can be music, art, dance, celebrations, foods (my favorite, obviously), hair styles, clothing, language (including slang), literature. Expose them to different cultures. You may not be able to afford to travel, but you can cook food from another culture. You can read a book by a black author. Instead of "I don't see color" look at the varieties of colors we do see in this world. Even in your own family. Put your arm next to theirs and you will likely have a different "color" than them. There are all sorts of beautiful shades of skin colors and the world is more beautiful with color!
Teach your children about empathy. Empathy is trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes, even though, you never really can do that. It's understanding that you don't understand. We see the world differently, because our experiences are different. It's acknowledging that when another person feels angry or hurt or upset about something that you would not be upset about, well, it's okay that they feel differently about that than you do. It's okay to acknowledge that something didn't happen to you, but it did happen to someone else. How can we make that other person feel less angry, hurt, or upset? How can we help them, even if we don't understand why they feel that way? I teach students to listen with their eyes, ears, and heart. Listening with eyes is when we see people's facial expressions, body language, etc. When listening with our ears, we not only hear the words, but the tone of voice and words they emphasize. But, most importantly, we must listen with our hearts to truly try to feel what the other person is feeling.
Ask your child what they have heard or seen and what questions they have. Try to answer their questions as honestly as you can, but in an age appropriate way. And, if you don't know the answers, tell them you don't know. Show your children that it's okay to say, "I have no idea!" Then, show them how to responsibly find the answers to their questions and use reliable sources.
Point out injustices and help them to notice injustice around them. Do you notice all the black kids at your school sitting together at lunch away from everyone else? Do you notice a teacher being easier on you than your black peer? Do you see how that business person treated a black customer different from us? Do you notice that there are no black people in the stores where you shop or living in your neighborhood? Do you stand up for people when they are being treated unfairly? Do your children watch you walk by and ignore injustice or do they see you stand up for others that are being mistreated? Be the example.
Seek out diverse opportunities for your child. School (if there's an option of choice), church, sports, etc. Are they surrounded by people that look different from them or are they surrounded by only white people? I know this is not always an option in certain parts of the country. I grew up in an all white town (It has changed a little since then). If that is the case, then look for other organizations where you travel to different parts of the state to go to a camp or make friends that have a different color of skin. Exposure helps them to see "black people" as real. Not just someone they see on TV, rappers, or athletes on their favorite sports team. Give them toys/dolls with different skin tones. Follow a YouTuber (their best friends these days) that is a person of color.
Teach your children to think and research and to use reliable sources. Watch different media sources and how they "spin" things in different ways. Teach them not to believe every meme they see, because people put quotes on pictures of people that didn't say those words. People photoshop pictures. People take things out of context. Everything online is not based on fact and it's important for kids to know that if they don't know it to be true, they should not "spread the rumor" that it is.
Check your biases and help your child to find their own biases. We all have them. What are the things they assume about certain groups of people. Look for examples of when that stereotype is wrong. Avoid making generalized statements about any group of people (Democrats, Republicans, Christians, Hispanics (many times just called Mexicans, when they are not), homosexuals, police officers, black people, white people, lawyers, politicians, men, women, etc.....) The list can go on and on. Teach your children that there are good and bad people in all walks of life. Teach them how to identify the good ones. What qualities do we value in a good friend, co-worker, partner, neighbor, spouse, etc.?
What about you? Would you have a problem if your white daughter brought home a black boyfriend? Can they go to a party with all black children? Can they move to a black neighborhood when they are grown? If you have a problem with these things or they make you feel uncomfortable, examine your own prejudices. If your child is being prejudice or judgmental, don't just say, "Don't say that." Instead, try to understand why they said it in the first place and teach them why it is not appropriate. Did they learn it from you? From another family member? Watch the language used by your own family. If people are using the the "n" word or making racist jokes around your children, those people need to be educated, too, or they need to not be around your child. We've moved past the stage of, "That's just our racist uncle, but we love him anyway." Challenge your racist uncle. Tell him he's wrong and that you don't want your children around that language. That uncle needs to change, too.
Look for teachable moments in tv shows, when you are out in public, on social media, and even in the news (depending on the child's age), etc. and have the hard conversations. Examine why things happen the way they did and what could be done differently. What will they do differently when they are older?
Update: June 3, 2020
I spent some time today looking for other resources online. I have added links on the Parent Resources section of my website. Here's the link: https://www.counselorjohnson.com/parent-resources
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