Your Kids and the Internet!
Let's talk about your (elementary age) kids and the internet! Just like the "real world" is a scary place, the internet is too. The same people that your child could encounter if you let them roam freely in the world, they could meet online as well. The thing about the internet, though, is that the bad people out there can gain access to millions of kids instead of just a few and they are doing it right under your nose. While I do still believe that most people are inherently good at heart, we all know that evil exists in the world and as parents you want to protect your children from that evil as much as possible. Let's talk about some ways you can keep them safe during those times that you need them to be entertained and have handed them a tablet or phone.
When it comes to unsafe things online, you can't keep up with the latest scary thing out there because it is constantly changing. There's always something new. So, it is important to talk with your kids about what they are watching and not just ask about a specific challenge or website. There's going to be another challenge tomorrow, folks, and you haven't heard the name of it, yet. In reality, your kids are likely going to hear about it before you (not the other way around). A few years ago, we were seeing things like the Blue Whale Challenge, Momo Challenge, Eraser Challenge. There's Granny, Five Nights at Freddy's, and so many others. Those have started to resurface just like old fashion trends make their way back around. They have names that sound kid friendly on purpose. They don't sound like they would be scary and kids like challenges. When you hear them talking about it, it doesn't raise any red flags and sounds innocent. I would not ask, "Have you heard of this? Or have you seen this?" because this creates curiosity about that challenge. Just like you are probably googling these challenges right now, if your child has access to google, they will probably google it, too, just to see what their crazy mom was freaking out about and we are trying to keep them from seeing that stuff if possible. On top of that, your kid now comes to school and with good intentions asks other kids if they have seen it and then those kids look it up and get freaked out and then it spreads all around the school. That's how these things spread in popularity. So, please don't show your kid pictures like the "momo" picture. They have nightmares and get really scared. We want to protect them from things like that, just like we don't let them watch horror movies. If you choose to show your child this picture to see if they have seen it, please tell them not to mention it to other kids! But, even if you do ask them about one particular challenge, that just means they'd didn't see THAT one. They may have seen another one. Instead, ask "What sort of challenges have you seen online lately? Have your friends been talking about any new challenges?" I would reference challenges that are more for fun like the "Kiki Challenge" or "Baby Shark Challenge" because if they google those, it's not going to be so scary. I would also ask, "Do your Paw Patrol (or whatever your kid watches) videos ever get interrupted with people telling you to do things?" Also, let them know if that does every happen to let you know immediately and that we never do challenges alone. Only as a family. That way, you get to see any challenges they want to do before they do them.
You may think that since your kid just watches Paw Patrol or Dora videos or kids playing video games on YouTube Kids that they won't see inappropriate things, but this is a huge mistake that parents make. Just like regular YouTube anybody can upload content to YouTube Kids. There are filters in place to filter out tags with certain words like "nude" or "guns" and a very long list of things that are inappropriate. But, what YouTube is not doing is watching these videos and approving them before your kids can see them. Instead, they count on us (the public) to report videos that are inappropriate. The problem with that is that most parents are not actually watching the videos with their kids and kids don't report videos, obviously. You may even select a video and give the okay for them to watch the video by watching the first few seconds or minutes. But, what is happening is these challenges are placed in the middle of that Paw Patrol video. So, one minute, they are watching cute little dog cops and then it's interrupted like a commercial and they see the challenge and then it goes back to the video you thought your kids were watching. There are some that have scary images like the "Momo Challenge" and most really young kids see that and get scared and tell you right away or turn it off. Much more common is an interruption by someone who seems safe like a woman or man that might look as safe as mom or dad and sometimes they will even start out by saying, "Let me tell you a secret!" I watched one today with an average looking guy in a hoodie with Monsters Inc. on and he was describing how to slit your wrists and another demonstrating how to tie a noose and daring kids to try it.
These challenges prey on kids who are already susceptible to suicide or self harm. The following kids are most at risk:
1. Kids with Anxiety or Depression
2. Kids with ADHD/Impulse Control Issues (More likely to take risks)
3. Kids with Learning Disabilities (Difficulty separating fantasy from reality)
4. Kids with Low Self Esteem who are targets of peer pressure
5. Kids that know someone personally that has committed suicide
6. Kids that have experienced abuse or neglect
Do your kids fall in one of those categories? If so, this conversation is even more important!
So, here is a list of things I would suggest parents do to keep your children safe.
1. Have a dedicated tablet or phone for your children to use if you are not going to be watching everything they do on it. I know you want to hand them a device to be occupied sometimes. Your phone probably has lots of "stuff" that can be accessed that is not appropriate. Even if you tell them they can't get on anything else but whatever you approved, I promise you that they do this when you are not looking. Kids are curious. Especially if they see you on your phone a lot. They want to see what you find so interesting. I wouldn't want my kid to look through my facebook feed because even some of my friends share things I wouldn't want my kids to see. So, have a dedicated device with apps that are only for your kids.
2. Get rid of YouTube kids. Period. Get rid of any app that allows the general public to share videos. In the user agreement that you accept without reading, it does say that they are not responsible for the content others post on the website. I wouldn't want my kids watching anything that the app manager is not going to take responsibility for approving. If your kids are going to watch videos on YouTube kids, you need to sit and watch the videos with them. If you want your kids to watch videos on their tablet, there are websites out there that are appropriate. Try PBS Kids, Sesame Street, Nickelodeon, or Highlights. The content on these apps is posted by the company who is responsible for that content. There are lots of fun videos and activities there. I also have a list of recommended websites on my website: https://www.counselorjohnson.com/for-students Yes, I know a lot of them are "educational" because I'm an educator and I just want kids to be learning all the time. :) You can also just purchase and download movies that are rated and your kids have seen before and let them watch those. Go back to our days of watching those VHS tapes growing up. Just put those movies on the tablet.
3. Talk to your kids about what they are watching. Ask what their friends are talking about. Ask them if their videos are ever interrupted with "commercials" and what those commercials are.
4. Talk to your kids about suicide. If they are 3rd grade and up, I guarantee they have been talking about it or heard their friends talking about it and many even younger than that. I have kids come to me about suicide nearly every single day. Talking to them about it is not going to give them ideas or make them want to kill themselves. Let them know what it means. I know that sounds like a scary thing to do, but young kids are being presented with suicide as if it were a fun game or challenge and are not understanding that suicide means you are dead and death is permanent. I will be posting a separate blog on how to talk to your kids about suicide and will come back and post the link here.
5. Don't let your elementary age children on social media. Their device should not have apps like snapchat, tiktok, music.ly, minecraft, fortnite, roblox. Any app that allows them to talk to others should not be allowed unless you have control over who they talk to. I know, I know! They are going to throw a fit. But, we are not going to be the kind of parents that just let their kids do what they want to because they threw a fit, right? I like the new facebook messenger app. It gives you control of their account and you are included in all of their conversations. They can't talk to anyone other than the people you give them permission to talk to. Internet safety for teenagers is a whole different ballgame, so here's a separate blog on talking to your teenagers. https://schoolcounselorjohnson.blogspot.com/2019/03/online-safety-for-teenagers.html
6. Whatever games they are playing, you need to play them for awhile first before you approve them. Don't let them play games where they can talk to strangers (see number 5) or anything with violence or guns. Talk to them about the differences between real life and what happens in a game. We watched cartoons growing up and no matter how many times Wile E Coyote tried to blow up Bugs Bunny or how many times he survived things that would have actually killed a person in real life, I never once thought I'd go jump off a cliff and survive it. But, we do have kids that see these games where they shoot people and are not connecting that if you shoot people in real life, they die. So, can we get rid of games where people shoot people? They come to school and draw those guns and end up in trouble because we live in a different world. Remind your kids, "You know this is just pretend, right?"
6. Limit their screen time, people! Give them a set amount of time for their devices and video games and then put them away to read a book, play a sport, do a craft, have a hobby! Don't let your kids have their devices in their rooms at night. Put them on a charger in your room instead and turn the notifications off because they are on those devices in the middle of the night when you think they are sleeping.
7. Limit your own screen time. They learn by your example, so model a healthy relationship with your devices for them.
8. Talk to your kids about what they are seeing and doing online. Guess where I learn about all these newest challenges? Your kids are telling me because I ask.
9. Talk with your kids about what is real and what is fantasy. Momo (for example) is not real. It is not a real person that is going to come hurt you. It is a character and people are making up stories about the character that are very scary and it can't really hurt us!
10. Help other parents. If your child says someone else's kid was talking about something they saw online that sounds inappropriate, contact that kid's parent and let them know. If you don't know that parent, contact your school counselor. I'll look into it and relay the information. Other people's parents contact me about their kid's friend all the time. Other parents appreciate that you took time to reach out. We've slowly gotten away from the "village mentality" and moved to the idea of "how they raise their kids is none of my business". But, in reality, if I called you and told you that another kid's parent said that your kid said "XYZ" wouldn't you want to know?
10. Make yourself available, but also identify other adults that you are comfortable advising your kids. I know this sounds pretty scary, but so often kids have stuff they want to talk to an adult about, but they are scared to do so. When I ask kids why they tell me things instead of their parents, they say that they don't want to get in trouble. They don't want to make their mom cry. They don't want to scare their parents. Their parents are too busy. Their parents are already stressed out and they don't want to add to that. So, first, let them know that they can talk to you about scary things without getting in trouble and not to ever worry about upsetting you. Let your kids interrupt you when you are busy. If you ignore them or tell them you are busy every time they want to tell you about some long story that I know you don't really have time for (like how this kid at lunch today was eating his boogers and they played a new game at recess, and their teacher made a joke, and this random kid you don't know is going to Disney World), well, if you don't stop and listen to them, they will stop talking to you. That means that they won't talk to you about the truly important things. They don't understand yet what is important and what is not because at the end of the day, whatever they are wanting to say is important to them. But, also, let them know that if they ever want to talk to someone besides you that they can talk to (whoever you decide). It may be an aunt or uncle, a counselor at their school, the pastor or children's director at church, a family friend. Give them permission to talk to that person if they are uncomfortable talking to you. Give that person permission to talk with your child and keep their confidence unless there is a concern for their safety. They need more adults than just you that they can trust. In my role, kids come and tell me stuff, and then they just need me to help them tell their parents because they are scared to.
Here is my most important piece of advice. Just like you would not turn your young child loose in the world unsupervised, don't let their screen time be unsupervised, either! Watch with them as much as possible and if you give them time to do something online while you are busy, make that for very short periods of time. Don't let these devices be their whole world. When I talk to kids about what they do after school, a majority tell me that they spend most of their time either playing video games, watching youtube, or playing on their tablet. I did a lesson with all of the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade students in my school about this recently (ask them about the Big Rocks lesson, which you can find on my website). Nearly every student acknowledged that they fall into the "time suck" of their devices. Many have told me that they are working on spending less time on them after this lesson, but the others have no self control and shared that they felt their parents should give them more rules for their devices. They want you to give them some rules. But, they aren't going to ask you to.
When it comes to unsafe things online, you can't keep up with the latest scary thing out there because it is constantly changing. There's always something new. So, it is important to talk with your kids about what they are watching and not just ask about a specific challenge or website. There's going to be another challenge tomorrow, folks, and you haven't heard the name of it, yet. In reality, your kids are likely going to hear about it before you (not the other way around). A few years ago, we were seeing things like the Blue Whale Challenge, Momo Challenge, Eraser Challenge. There's Granny, Five Nights at Freddy's, and so many others. Those have started to resurface just like old fashion trends make their way back around. They have names that sound kid friendly on purpose. They don't sound like they would be scary and kids like challenges. When you hear them talking about it, it doesn't raise any red flags and sounds innocent. I would not ask, "Have you heard of this? Or have you seen this?" because this creates curiosity about that challenge. Just like you are probably googling these challenges right now, if your child has access to google, they will probably google it, too, just to see what their crazy mom was freaking out about and we are trying to keep them from seeing that stuff if possible. On top of that, your kid now comes to school and with good intentions asks other kids if they have seen it and then those kids look it up and get freaked out and then it spreads all around the school. That's how these things spread in popularity. So, please don't show your kid pictures like the "momo" picture. They have nightmares and get really scared. We want to protect them from things like that, just like we don't let them watch horror movies. If you choose to show your child this picture to see if they have seen it, please tell them not to mention it to other kids! But, even if you do ask them about one particular challenge, that just means they'd didn't see THAT one. They may have seen another one. Instead, ask "What sort of challenges have you seen online lately? Have your friends been talking about any new challenges?" I would reference challenges that are more for fun like the "Kiki Challenge" or "Baby Shark Challenge" because if they google those, it's not going to be so scary. I would also ask, "Do your Paw Patrol (or whatever your kid watches) videos ever get interrupted with people telling you to do things?" Also, let them know if that does every happen to let you know immediately and that we never do challenges alone. Only as a family. That way, you get to see any challenges they want to do before they do them.
You may think that since your kid just watches Paw Patrol or Dora videos or kids playing video games on YouTube Kids that they won't see inappropriate things, but this is a huge mistake that parents make. Just like regular YouTube anybody can upload content to YouTube Kids. There are filters in place to filter out tags with certain words like "nude" or "guns" and a very long list of things that are inappropriate. But, what YouTube is not doing is watching these videos and approving them before your kids can see them. Instead, they count on us (the public) to report videos that are inappropriate. The problem with that is that most parents are not actually watching the videos with their kids and kids don't report videos, obviously. You may even select a video and give the okay for them to watch the video by watching the first few seconds or minutes. But, what is happening is these challenges are placed in the middle of that Paw Patrol video. So, one minute, they are watching cute little dog cops and then it's interrupted like a commercial and they see the challenge and then it goes back to the video you thought your kids were watching. There are some that have scary images like the "Momo Challenge" and most really young kids see that and get scared and tell you right away or turn it off. Much more common is an interruption by someone who seems safe like a woman or man that might look as safe as mom or dad and sometimes they will even start out by saying, "Let me tell you a secret!" I watched one today with an average looking guy in a hoodie with Monsters Inc. on and he was describing how to slit your wrists and another demonstrating how to tie a noose and daring kids to try it.
These challenges prey on kids who are already susceptible to suicide or self harm. The following kids are most at risk:
1. Kids with Anxiety or Depression
2. Kids with ADHD/Impulse Control Issues (More likely to take risks)
3. Kids with Learning Disabilities (Difficulty separating fantasy from reality)
4. Kids with Low Self Esteem who are targets of peer pressure
5. Kids that know someone personally that has committed suicide
6. Kids that have experienced abuse or neglect
Do your kids fall in one of those categories? If so, this conversation is even more important!
So, here is a list of things I would suggest parents do to keep your children safe.
1. Have a dedicated tablet or phone for your children to use if you are not going to be watching everything they do on it. I know you want to hand them a device to be occupied sometimes. Your phone probably has lots of "stuff" that can be accessed that is not appropriate. Even if you tell them they can't get on anything else but whatever you approved, I promise you that they do this when you are not looking. Kids are curious. Especially if they see you on your phone a lot. They want to see what you find so interesting. I wouldn't want my kid to look through my facebook feed because even some of my friends share things I wouldn't want my kids to see. So, have a dedicated device with apps that are only for your kids.
2. Get rid of YouTube kids. Period. Get rid of any app that allows the general public to share videos. In the user agreement that you accept without reading, it does say that they are not responsible for the content others post on the website. I wouldn't want my kids watching anything that the app manager is not going to take responsibility for approving. If your kids are going to watch videos on YouTube kids, you need to sit and watch the videos with them. If you want your kids to watch videos on their tablet, there are websites out there that are appropriate. Try PBS Kids, Sesame Street, Nickelodeon, or Highlights. The content on these apps is posted by the company who is responsible for that content. There are lots of fun videos and activities there. I also have a list of recommended websites on my website: https://www.counselorjohnson.com/for-students Yes, I know a lot of them are "educational" because I'm an educator and I just want kids to be learning all the time. :) You can also just purchase and download movies that are rated and your kids have seen before and let them watch those. Go back to our days of watching those VHS tapes growing up. Just put those movies on the tablet.
3. Talk to your kids about what they are watching. Ask what their friends are talking about. Ask them if their videos are ever interrupted with "commercials" and what those commercials are.
4. Talk to your kids about suicide. If they are 3rd grade and up, I guarantee they have been talking about it or heard their friends talking about it and many even younger than that. I have kids come to me about suicide nearly every single day. Talking to them about it is not going to give them ideas or make them want to kill themselves. Let them know what it means. I know that sounds like a scary thing to do, but young kids are being presented with suicide as if it were a fun game or challenge and are not understanding that suicide means you are dead and death is permanent. I will be posting a separate blog on how to talk to your kids about suicide and will come back and post the link here.
5. Don't let your elementary age children on social media. Their device should not have apps like snapchat, tiktok, music.ly, minecraft, fortnite, roblox. Any app that allows them to talk to others should not be allowed unless you have control over who they talk to. I know, I know! They are going to throw a fit. But, we are not going to be the kind of parents that just let their kids do what they want to because they threw a fit, right? I like the new facebook messenger app. It gives you control of their account and you are included in all of their conversations. They can't talk to anyone other than the people you give them permission to talk to. Internet safety for teenagers is a whole different ballgame, so here's a separate blog on talking to your teenagers. https://schoolcounselorjohnson.blogspot.com/2019/03/online-safety-for-teenagers.html
6. Whatever games they are playing, you need to play them for awhile first before you approve them. Don't let them play games where they can talk to strangers (see number 5) or anything with violence or guns. Talk to them about the differences between real life and what happens in a game. We watched cartoons growing up and no matter how many times Wile E Coyote tried to blow up Bugs Bunny or how many times he survived things that would have actually killed a person in real life, I never once thought I'd go jump off a cliff and survive it. But, we do have kids that see these games where they shoot people and are not connecting that if you shoot people in real life, they die. So, can we get rid of games where people shoot people? They come to school and draw those guns and end up in trouble because we live in a different world. Remind your kids, "You know this is just pretend, right?"
6. Limit their screen time, people! Give them a set amount of time for their devices and video games and then put them away to read a book, play a sport, do a craft, have a hobby! Don't let your kids have their devices in their rooms at night. Put them on a charger in your room instead and turn the notifications off because they are on those devices in the middle of the night when you think they are sleeping.
7. Limit your own screen time. They learn by your example, so model a healthy relationship with your devices for them.
8. Talk to your kids about what they are seeing and doing online. Guess where I learn about all these newest challenges? Your kids are telling me because I ask.
9. Talk with your kids about what is real and what is fantasy. Momo (for example) is not real. It is not a real person that is going to come hurt you. It is a character and people are making up stories about the character that are very scary and it can't really hurt us!
10. Help other parents. If your child says someone else's kid was talking about something they saw online that sounds inappropriate, contact that kid's parent and let them know. If you don't know that parent, contact your school counselor. I'll look into it and relay the information. Other people's parents contact me about their kid's friend all the time. Other parents appreciate that you took time to reach out. We've slowly gotten away from the "village mentality" and moved to the idea of "how they raise their kids is none of my business". But, in reality, if I called you and told you that another kid's parent said that your kid said "XYZ" wouldn't you want to know?
10. Make yourself available, but also identify other adults that you are comfortable advising your kids. I know this sounds pretty scary, but so often kids have stuff they want to talk to an adult about, but they are scared to do so. When I ask kids why they tell me things instead of their parents, they say that they don't want to get in trouble. They don't want to make their mom cry. They don't want to scare their parents. Their parents are too busy. Their parents are already stressed out and they don't want to add to that. So, first, let them know that they can talk to you about scary things without getting in trouble and not to ever worry about upsetting you. Let your kids interrupt you when you are busy. If you ignore them or tell them you are busy every time they want to tell you about some long story that I know you don't really have time for (like how this kid at lunch today was eating his boogers and they played a new game at recess, and their teacher made a joke, and this random kid you don't know is going to Disney World), well, if you don't stop and listen to them, they will stop talking to you. That means that they won't talk to you about the truly important things. They don't understand yet what is important and what is not because at the end of the day, whatever they are wanting to say is important to them. But, also, let them know that if they ever want to talk to someone besides you that they can talk to (whoever you decide). It may be an aunt or uncle, a counselor at their school, the pastor or children's director at church, a family friend. Give them permission to talk to that person if they are uncomfortable talking to you. Give that person permission to talk with your child and keep their confidence unless there is a concern for their safety. They need more adults than just you that they can trust. In my role, kids come and tell me stuff, and then they just need me to help them tell their parents because they are scared to.
Here is my most important piece of advice. Just like you would not turn your young child loose in the world unsupervised, don't let their screen time be unsupervised, either! Watch with them as much as possible and if you give them time to do something online while you are busy, make that for very short periods of time. Don't let these devices be their whole world. When I talk to kids about what they do after school, a majority tell me that they spend most of their time either playing video games, watching youtube, or playing on their tablet. I did a lesson with all of the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade students in my school about this recently (ask them about the Big Rocks lesson, which you can find on my website). Nearly every student acknowledged that they fall into the "time suck" of their devices. Many have told me that they are working on spending less time on them after this lesson, but the others have no self control and shared that they felt their parents should give them more rules for their devices. They want you to give them some rules. But, they aren't going to ask you to.
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