Reflections after a Friend's Suicide

Today, my high school best friend is on my mind and I wanted to share this post that I shared on facebook from when he committed suicide just over two months ago.  

I’m going to talk about something that may make a lot of you uncomfortable. Feel free to stop reading, if this is not something you are ready to hear a different opinion on. But, if we keep “not talking about” it is going to keep happening more and more and more. And, I am slowly realizing that talking about is something we need to do more often. I’m talking about suicide and the numbers are on the rise. I’ve looked at the statistics, but I also know it from personal experience. Chances are you know someone that has committed suicide or attempted it, but I guarantee there are people in your life (maybe even you) that have seriously considered it. I am far from an expert on the matter, but I do have lots of experience both personally and professionally in this area. Sadly, “suicide” is a word that comes out of my mouth at least once a week, sometimes, more often than that. I have spent a great deal of time and energy working with students that are suicidal and their families and helping them to seek out the treatment they need and following up with them. But, I also know that their battle that is just starting in elementary or middle school is one that they may very well have to fight the rest of their lives. And, I know that can be an exhausting battle. 

For most of us, depression is situational. We experience it when something traumatic happens in our lives like a death of a loved one, a divorce, loss of a job, etc. I’ve had two times in my life that I was seriously depressed to the point that I sought treatment. The most recent was when my first marriage failed and I literally wanted to die. I thought about it so much I scared myself and I had four close friends that I shared that with. But, several people saw I wasn’t myself and told me I needed to see someone. I saw a therapist and I was on anti-depressants for just over six months before I started to feel myself again. But, even at my lowest points, I never actually planned out a way to take my own life. I just had this desire to go to sleep and never wake up again. I know many of you have been there, too. Eventually, life got better and I didn’t need that treatment anymore. That is how depression works for the average person and because we’ve experienced that, we think we know what is going through the mind of a clinically depressed or suicidal person. 

But, it’s not the same. For a person that is clinically depressed, they feel that way every single day. They fight that battle their whole life. They get up, go to work, go about their day, and many of them even put a smile on their face. Sometimes, it’s fake. Sometimes, they genuinely feel moments of happiness. We see their pictures and they look so blissfully happy and I think many of them really are, but they are fighting to be. Depression is a mental illness. An illness. You don’t choose it. And most people don’t understand it. You have to fight mental illness just like any other illness. 

We all know people that get cancer or heart disease or something else and we watch them fight for their life. They take medications. They see doctors. They have surgery. They do chemo. Sometimes, they win that battle. They beat that disease! They are a survivor! Sometimes, that disease comes back years later and they have to fight that battle again. Sometimes, they fight that battle right until the end and still lose. It still takes them. And, then there are some people that get tired of fighting it. They deny treatment. They give up. They are just ready to go and make their peace with it. 

I know that so many people will not like that I am comparing mental illness to these other diseases, but depression is like that too. You fight it. You beat it. It comes back. And, when a person commits suicide, they are giving up the fight. I know that for my friend, he fought this illness for over two decades. He did ask for help. He did get treatment. He did beat it. It came back for him. He fought it again. He beat it. He went back to school and became a doctor to help others beat it, too. And, then it came back again. And, this time, he decided he didn’t want treatment. He didn’t want to fight anymore. He was tired. He was ready to give up this fight. He knew where to get the treatment. It was readily available to him. He understood what was happening. He made a choice. A choice I wish he hadn’t made, but he made it. He didn’t want to fight the battle anymore. We all wanted him to. If we had known he was giving up, we would’ve begged him to keep fighting. But, he didn’t want us to know about that choice. He didn’t want us to talk him out of it. He didn’t want to fight it anymore. We talk about suicide being a “selfish” decision and it was. He had lived his entire life being selfless. Always doing for everyone else. Most of us live our lives being selfish. He did the opposite. He lived his life being selfless, but in the end, chose to be selfish. The people in his life that loved him, we are left with questions and “what ifs”, wishes, pictures, notes, voicemails, and texts. It’s devastating and heartbreaking and our lives are changed forever. But, please remember that he did fight it. He did ask for help. He did get it. And, then he chose to deny that treatment and go on his own terms to a place where he didn’t have to fight it anymore and could finally be at peace. I know exactly where he is because I know his faith and the decision that he made long ago that solidified that he would be in heaven one day. I know he knew where he was going. Do I think what he did was okay? Do I support his decision? Definitely not. But, do I understand it? I think so. Does it hurt less? No.

If you are struggling with depression or suicide, I want to encourage you not to make this same choice. You're not alone. It is worth the fight. Your life is worth the fight. There are people either in your present or in your future that are worth the fight. There are moments and memories ahead for you that are worth the fight. Don’t give up. This is the suicide hotline number: 1-800-273-8255. You can also text 741741. You can walk into a mental health facility or hospital. You can call a pastor or religious leader. You can call a friend or relative. And, of course, you can always talk to me.