Listen for Perspective

“Melissa, stop. You’re making people mad. You’re going to lose friends over this. Just keep your thoughts to yourself.” Ask any black person you know how many times they have kept their head down and their mouth shut so that they don’t make people mad. Especially people in authority. They’ll tell you about those times and they’ll tell you about the time(s) that they couldn’t keep quiet, too. This is a time I couldn’t just be quiet. 

My calling, my purpose in life is to educate others and if you don’t know that about me, well, you just don’t know me. I don't just educate children at work, but I educate children at my church. I educate parents. I educate other educators. I educate friends and family. I also spend a great deal of time educating myself and learning from others. I don’t delete or block people that disagree with me or challenge me, because my heart wants people to learn and see things differently when they read the words I write or the things I say. I don’t hate those that come to disagree. I listen to their side, too, in hopes to understand why they see things they way they do, too. My view of this world has changed over the years as a result of listening and trying to understand. In order to change things, people have to learn to listen to one another. I teach my students to listen with your eyes, ears, and heart. Listen to understand what is in their heart. 

Someone said I was excusing or encouraging riots, looting, and violence. I’m not. I’m not saying it is how we should handle things or how I would. I’m saying I understand it. I know where it’s coming from. I was talking to my husband the other night about what he might do if someone hurt me. Ya’ll, this man is my protector. I have no doubt in my mind he’d lay down his life for me. He carries a gun with him everywhere we go and keeps it on the nightstand as we sleep. He’s constantly locking doors behind me and trying to convince me that there’s way more evil in this world than I want to see. He loses his mind when he hears of people talking to me the wrong way. If someone busted through this door and came at me, I know he’d be firing that weapon, just like Breonna Taylor’s boyfriend did. I asked him what he might do after that. I don’t think it’s far out of the realm of possibility that he’d be destroying everything that got in his path. So, if something ever happens to me, somebody better come take care of him. I ask each of you to think about what could send you over the edge. What would make you lose it and start destroying things, because you probably have a breaking point, too. What we are seeing is people reaching their breaking point. I keep seeing people share MLK’s quote and scripture about violence begets violence. You’re right. It does. The violence people have experienced has lead them to become violent. In order to stop the violence, we have to listen to their pleas, show them love and compassion, and de-escalate instead of escalate. 

Last week, I shared with you about that student tearing up his classroom, then my office, spitting in my face, etc. There are two ways for educators to handle that. I can escalate or I can de-escalate. If you go back and read that story (I’ve shared links to last week’s posts in the comments) you’ll see that one staff member responded in a way that escalated the situation and I had to work harder to de-escalate. I never said the kid was right for doing what he did. I said, I understand it. In order to help him, I had to listen to him. You are seeing right now, examples of cities where police officers are listening (taking a knee, walking with protestors, inviting people to the table for conversations). Those cities are working hard to de-escalate what is happening. And, then there are cities that their government and their police force are escalating things and making it worse. They are coming in with tear gas, rubber bullets, and in some cases actual bullets when people are peacefully protesting and then it is escalating to rioting and looting. They are escalating the situation. I am not justifying violence on either side or encouraging people to burn down buildings. I’m scared. Some of you keep saying, I’m buying into media hype, but I’m not getting my facts from the media. I’m getting it straight from people that are there and living it. My former neighbors, colleagues, and students. I pay more attention to people I actually know than the people on the tv. I know that whatever news station I watch, I am getting their “spin” on whatever is happening. 

I’ve watched things escalate for years. I’ve watched my black teenage boys be pushed and pushed and pushed by educators until they snap and do something that lands them in alternative school. I’ve advocated for those boys. I’ve spoken to administrators. I’ve spoken to school boards. I could tell you story after story of a young child or teenager being pushed into that path of violence because they were not heard.

That educator that escalated the situation I described above, she is a close friend, someone I respect, and someone who has read and agreed with this post. After the fact, she sat with me and said, “You handled that so perfectly. What did I do wrong? Teach me.” She was ready to listen. She did listen and she became and even better educator because of it. That’s what we need to be doing. People need to be willing to say, “What can I (personally) do differently?” The week before we left school in March, I lead our staff through de-escalation strategies. A staff, that I have seen is already one of the best at de-escalating situations. 

If ya’ll think this is just about a cop killing a black man, you’re wrong. If you think it’s just about cops killing many black men, you’re wrong. This about way more than just a cop issue. It is systemic racism. Black schools are lower performing (not because they are not as smart, but for many reasons that I’ll save for another post, because this is getting long). Healthcare is not anywhere near the same. Job opportunities. Income disparities. Educational opportunities. Housing. Heck, if you live in a black neighborhood, you have more liquor stores than anything else. They often have to drive to other neighborhoods to get groceries, clothes, necessities, that is if they have a vehicle. And, even then, when they show up in white neighborhoods to shop, they are looked at suspiciously. Even more so, if they “make it” and move to a mostly white neighborhood, they are treating as if they don’t belong there and followed around, watched, threatened, or even killed just for walking, jogging, or breathing. 

I challenge you to listen. I don’t speak on these things because I’ve lived them myself. I haven’t. I speak on these things because I have listened to enough of those that have. I speak on these things because when they speak on them, people don’t listen. I speak because you are more likely to listen to me as an educated, professional, Christian white woman than you are to the man you see as a threat or the woman you see as an “angry black woman”. I recognize that the color of my skin gives me a privilege to speak on things that they don’t have. Stop talking. Stop sharing memes. Just listen. Listen with your heart.